The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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