Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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