You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
