Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
