so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
