I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
