Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
two words: eviction party
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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