If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
