Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
