Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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