I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
