do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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