how can u be prego again
Someone shit on the floor
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
