Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
