I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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