drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
