Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
