she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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