Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Use "feeling words"
Yay
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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