Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
