I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
