I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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