seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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