Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
