im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
