i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
