Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
