Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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