Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
