You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
