The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
