just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
