Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
