when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Enjoy the penises
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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