I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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