OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
