She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
