peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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