I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
