dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
