I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
