4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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