I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
