i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
