I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
