we made out on top of his cat.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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