Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
