in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
