So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
