I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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